Menopause

The clue is in the blog title - '50 something and bitching' but for some reason I haven't yet written about the menopause. Not sure why as I've had it for ages and am pretty open about it. Rather than find it embarrassing, I am glad I have an excuse for my sweaty, forgetful self. I tell people I'm menopausal all the time. Once (literally only once) someone looked shocked at how young I was. She was probably 70 odd though, so to be fair, most everyone looks like a spring chicken to her.

I'm learning to not mention it to clients. Being in IT, my technically challenged clients are envisaging some youthful person with a bit less eye-rolling than their own kids to show up and sort out their IT issues. When I arrive laughing at how I forgot their address 3 times because I'm menopausal, you can see in their face they feel they may have made a grave error. But it's not early onset dementia, it's just a very irritating forgetfulness. I'm pretty sure I'm still as good at my job as I ever was, however, remembering what floor you live on, your name, or what your problem was 3 months ago when we last met is beyond me. Having said that, I am an obsessive note taking master, so the info is all there, it just involves a bit of research.

I started this post as a fb post to a lovely group I was invited to join by a friend who must have realised that I had a few menopause stories to share. Thank you Kelly. I never particularly felt the need to vent about my menopause, but once I was in the group, I felt a sense of relief and a desire to share my story which may just possibly help some other woman who is currently feeling a bit lost and confused.

I am the least touchy feely in sync with my emotions/feelings person ever. So I still struggle to blame my shitty moods, irritability and forgetfulness on the menopause. (I mean i was always a bit of a bitch - can i really blame that on hormones?). When I was perimenopausal - around age 44/45 the hot flushes started and they were HORRENDOUS. I did not leave the house, summer or winter, without a fan for well over 2 years. OK I live in the sunny south of france but still...., it was awkward. I swear my friends husbands think that I have a crush on them coz I was sweaty and flustered whenever they walked in the room. So hot flushes were what I desperately needed a cure for. I know that every MP is different, which is a large part of the problem as it's so hard to generalise.... but the issue that got me down the most was the hot flushes. To the point where calling it hot flashes (à l'américain) pisses me off. It's a flush. Not a flash. A flash implies that it is short-lived. Not true in my case.

So accepting that my weaknesses may be hormonal and not my 'fault' (I always ate too much, I drink too much, I'm getting old, I'm a grumpy old spinster. etc.....) was and still is a genuine struggle. I eyeroll at women who raise their voice at someone once in 6 months, then instantly book themselves in for some menopause blood tests because it was a mood swing. Surely we all just have 'off' days? But maybe, just maybe, I am not the total impatient bitch I think I am. Maybe my hormones are inciting me to have volatile fits of anger, sadness and grumpiness 8 times a day.

Anyway. 6 years ago and I've been sweating profusely for a couple of years already. I've bought every over the counter drug going. They do nothing. I've researched and researched and tried UK, Euro, US and even Aussie supplements. Zero effect. I start to hate people who buy something from the pharmacy and then sail through menopause. When they start to tell me what 'natural remedy' it is that works for them, I get angry. They obviously have NO CONCEPT about what I am going through. Do they even have the menopause? Obviously not if an extra herb or some rosehip tea can calm it down.

I wouldn't call myself an 'early' menopauser but it was definitely earlier than the average. A friend came to visit for a week. She is exactly the same age as me (47 at the time) but she isn't menopausal. We rent a villa and go to the beach most days. After 4-5 days of my constant sweats day and night, my friend says, 'you need to see a doctor'. I'm like yeah well I'm seeing the gynie in 3 months, you know what it's like getting an appointment. She replies...... this is not normal - please go and see someone soon. It shook me up, as generally her advice would along the lines of 'take a nurofen and stop moaning, get some fresh air or have a glass of wine'. So I went to see a doc.

The doc gave me the pill. This astounded me as I hadn't been on the pill since 1993. (my failed relationships/sex life will be a whole other blog one day). But I took it and everything stopped. Hot flushes - gone. I WAS SO HAPPY! So in October, when the pill has run out and I am sweating up a storm again, I trot into the gynie and say 'ohhh can you give me the pill - it works wonders!'. Her face was a picture of shock, horror and concern. Damn, I think, the party is over. And so it was. She starts me on HRT, and I go back in a few weeks saying that yes, it's a little better (not much, but a bit) but that I had put on 5 kilos in 2 weeks. Now even a French super skinny gynie looks at my plump brit frame thinking that 5 kilos in 2 weeks is a bit OTT. So I try a different drug, hot flushes are back... then the gel, then the gel and pills.... the list goes on. NOTHING WORKS.

Bear in mind, that all I want to do at this point is to stop sweating. I am sweating all day long. Night sweats? Sure but I live alone, and I can chuck the duvet off and on again as much as I want, I could suck up night sweats, but being in a constant state of drenched face/mad fanning all day was really upsetting. I stopped going out, I refused invitations, I sat in my studio with the aircon on full blast day and night to the immense distress of my ever shivering 3.5 kg dog. I was nervous of how to dress (sweat patches), and it was really starting to negatively affect my life.

Finally she changes my prescription to one she didn't want to give me initially because tests say it could be cancer inducing. She doesn't believe the tests particularly as it was on a very small amount of women in the USA who have different weight/health/diet to us europeans. My sister has had breast cancer and my mum has had cancer. I am not super high risk, but equally not low. I listen to her reasoning and start taking it - it isn't HRT, it's called Livial. (no idea what it actually is, but apparently it's not HRT - not that I would care if it was to be honest as at this point, if crack cocaine stopped me sweating, I'd have been up for it).

Livial works for me. The sweats slow down - they didn't disappear, but i can absolutely cope with this. It's more of a warm feeling, reddening of cheeks and general discomfort than the downpour I was having before. After 9 months, I self prescribe cutting down to taking one every other day. Doctor Carla is telling me that I should wean myself off. Suck up the pain, drugs aren't good. The sweats come back 24/7. So I get back on the Livial. I tell my gynie I tried to cut down and she looks at me witheringly. I am trying to help you, she says. Take the prescribed dose. We will review regularly and when I see different blood results and physical exams, I will change your dosage. She's got a point. Trust your doc. It's a relatively recent phenomenon to not want to take 'drugs' - at least the prescribed kind - like it's bad for us. I'm not going to start ranting about why people sometimes put their health at risk because they are so scared of prescription medication, but it is worrying and possibly dangerous. Find a doctor you like and respect and trust them. Also.... TALK to them. They are not mind readers. They don't mind you calling after 2 weeks to say... this side effect is happening, that is their job, they want to make you better and they will try to find a solution that works for you and your body.

I wasn't even officially menopausal when I started on Livial. Because officially you have to go 12 months without a period to be menopausal, and until you're officially menopausal you don't get prescribed the drugs. But I would get one damn period around month 11 every damn year and then have to wait another 12 months to be officially menopausal. I also have damaged ovaries and my remaining eggs have been dead for decades, so my gynie decided to declare me 'menopausal' a little before the official time. She couldn't wait to stop me sweating either.

What am I saying here? Nothing specific as I am not a doc. But I do like my doc (she is both my doc and my client and her husband is a radiologist so between them they've seen pretty much every part of me and as I've reorganised their photos, I've seen quite a lot of them too 😂) . But there is more than one solution out there. Try them all. Taking meds IS NOT FAILURE. Taking meds should be helping you live your life as normally as possible. Not taking meds (if you are suffering) may be harmful to your health and everyone around you who struggles to understand your changes. I would LOVE to have a drug free menopause, and I have plenty of friends who absolutely do that. I felt (still feel) a bit weak and pathetic because I have to take drugs, I feel that I should be able to just cope with the symptoms. But time has taught me that I just have a shitty menopause (I had very easy periods - maybe this is payback), and taking my meds has enabled me to start a business, interact with people, and generally live life in a more functional way.

Yes, booze doesn't help and diet is very important. I have been to countless spas and eaten organic, macrobiotic or fasted for up to 3 weeks at a time. The hot flushes continue - maybe a little less strong - like 10%. Which is a good thing, but not enough. I know mega healthy people with shit menopauses and I know people who live off mcdonalds and beer who have flown through the menopause. That's not saying that diet and alcohol don't matter as they do, but it's not always a cure.

So if I can advise anything, it's to not be afraid of taking something. Some people need pills for a couple of years, some for decades, but suffering through it won't win you any prizes and might cause irreversible damage to your relationships with family and friends. I still feel guilty about taking Livial and I am not sure why. But I am far happier being the woos who resorted to drugs than the sweaty bitch who turned agoraphobic .

Weight gain - I was fat before, I'm fat now. Maybe I'd be thinner without the menopause? Maybe not. As I said, I struggle to blame anything on the menopause, preferring to blame it on my own bad habits. But I do notice a difference in distribution. It is very belly oriented, which randomly, was never my problem before. I have huge thighs, a fat back, a double chin, but my belly wasn't disproportionate. Now, however, it's solid as a rock, a protruding rock.

Sleeping - I commuted globally for over 20 years. I could sleep on a plane, train or automobile. I could cure jetlag in 2-3 days, I was a good sleeper. Since menopause I wake up almost every night between 2 and 3 and nod back off at 6. Alarm goes at 7 and you can imagine the state I'm in. I have taken sleeping pills, which I do try to avoid, they are over the counter but not melatonin based as that makes my sleep worse for some unknown reason. Now I only take them on weekends (sometimes) but it's horrible knowing that no matter how tired I am, come 3 am I am wide eyed and bushy tailed. I keep NO tech in my bedroom, I force myself up at 7 every day to encourage a healthier pattern, I drink sleep tea before bed but sleep eludes me.

BIG RANT TIME - my Livial, that has saved my life for the past 4-5 years, is not reimbursed by health insurance. It is prescription only but not ..errrr.... important enough to be reimbursed? I mean what the actual? It is expensive, I've spent 2K on it so far, and I mean I can afford it, but why is it not considered a necessity? My allergy tablets are reimbursed. Without them I won't die, I'll just sniff a lot. Without my menopause drugs I will sweat a lot - what's the difference? Note to self - write to Monaco medical board (is that a thing?) and get it on the reimbursed list.

This blog doesn't have a beginning or an end..... I hope my menopause will end at some point although I am not hopeful. My mother claims to have had hers until late 70's, although hers was night sweat based so dissimilar to mine. My sister doesn't appear to suffer although she leads a much healthier lifestyle than mine so maybe that's my fault. And, like pregnancy, there can be family similarities but not always.

I joke about my menopausal moments, but in writing this, I realise it's not funny. It sucks. Life getting older as a woman isn't great to start with in an age of beauty above everything, but this is like an added cross to bear. I've had 2 hot flushes (minor) whilst writing, and all I really want to do right now is nap whilst watching tv in my workout gear that I haven't managed to change out of yet (it's almost 3pm and no, I didn't workout this morning, I just put stretchy clothes on to make it look like I worked out).