Life Coaches....... (wtf are they anyway?)

Here are a few definitions to help you get the gist of what makes someone feel they need a life coach and more importantly why some people think they are life coaches.

• A life coach is someone that looks to empower others by helping them make, meet and exceed goals in both their personal and professional lives

• A life coach is someone whose job involves helping people to improve their lives by doing challenging or worthwhile things

• A life coach is someone who can help you identify strengths and weaknesses and overcome obstacles holding you back

It's all rather appealing, I mean who doesn't want to feel empowered, improve their lives and overcome obstacles. Life in the 2020's is one big competition. We feel the need to excel at work, parent with ease, live in harmony with our happy ever after soulmate, enjoy daily physical and spiritual workouts, grow our own vegetables, make a gazillion memories for our kids, the list is endless and most of us feel inadequate at some point of our lives.

So when you're middle aged, your teens hate you, your BMI has doubled and your energy levels are at an all time low, the idea that someone can pluck you out of your despair and make you feel that you're on top of your life is pretty goddamn tempting. Not quite as tempting as a girls weekend involving a beach, unlimited rosé and a DJ playing 90's tunes for you to wail along to, which has similar albeit temporary euphoric effects, but almost.

Generally we go to or hire a coach for a sport or a school subject because they are an expert and we want to benefit from their talent and experience in a specific field. Consequently, the word 'life' is a rather large, vague and all encompassing term when used in conjunction with 'coach'. I mean we know how to live, most of us survive school, get some form of job, find a partner, pop out a couple of kids and just get on with 'life' as best we can.

If your maths coach is better at maths than you and your tennis coach is (or was) better at tennis than you, then a 'life coach' is selling themselves on the basis that they are better at life than you I'm happy to admit that I suck at most sports and quite a few subjects, and coaching in those areas would surely have been beneficial. But admitting that I'm not very good at 'life' is a tough pill to swallow no matter how fed up I might feel.

I have a disclaimer. Without a shadow of a doubt, there is room in the world for life coaches. Maybe not enough room for the amount of life coaches that have popped up recently but still, there are definitely some qualified professionals out there who do great work and help many people.

Unfortunately, not all life coaches are equal - what I am blogging about concerns a few that have popped up on my radar, it is not a sweeping statement. For starters, a large proportion of life coaches are not qualified at all or may have done a lovely one week diploma at a pretty retreat in the Cotswolds and then hung an official looking framed certificate up on their zoom background.

'There are no mandatory prerequisites to becoming a life coach. Life coaching is an unregulated industry and doesn't require a college degree, work experience, or prior certifications. Anyone who wants to become a life coach can do so.'

Try googling life coach. You'll get pages of fuzzy filtered photos of beautiful, smiley people, mostly women. A majority of them are botoxed, lifted and tweaked middle aged women who have 'overcome life's challenges' and now want to help you do the same. Their wrinkle-free faces and beautiful smiles flashing Hollywood teeth scream self esteem issues. Yet this person has apparently succeeded in life and expects you to pay her to share her path to a fulfilled and happy life. Well I can tell you her secret for free. It's 40K of surgery followed by a lifetime of fillers, peels and lymphatic drainage.

They all look fabulous - there is no doubt. Not an ounce of fat on their toned bodies, plump immobile lips, arms that are taut as a teen, and foreheads ironed out in that shiny way that has become the norm rather than the exception in middle-class-middle-age-dom. But this enhanced perfection isn't inciting me to listen to you preaching about how to live my life better. For starters, my budget doesn't have a spare 6K a year for botox/fillers (and that's a gentle estimate). My life doesn't have 3 hours a day spare to personal train, power walk the dog then do an hour of yoga followed by a dash of meditation. My weekly shop is mostly done in the supermarket as shopping in the local health food store or market takes a ton of time and costs a bloody fortune.

They can afford all this because most life coaches seem to be pretty well off to start with. Having a chunky income, or a chunky income husband, or a chunky divorce settlement or a chunky bank balance is the only chunk that has ever been in their lives. But do the people who need a life coach feel inspired by someone who had a white picket fence at age 23 and as soon as empty nest syndrome hit, decided to tell the rest of us poor souls how to be as great as they are?

A large part of life coaching revolves around diet and exercise. All those endorphins will be released and your stress levels will plummet as your energy levels reach heights they've not known since you were a toddler.

But when you're thin by default, and have honed it to being stick thin and toned.... don't lecture me on working out. I see your chest bones poking out, skin stretched tight in-between two solid grapefruits. And you're telling us to love ourselves? You who counts every blueberry and almond that you dare to swallow, you who had implants rather than embrace your natural chest? If that isn't a display of self loathing, then I'm not sure what is. And I'm not judging because I myself have spent years searching for utopia through diets and fat farms, I've had multiple surgeries (including implants) in my hunt for the elusive joy I thought a better body would help me achieve. But I wouldn't be so bold as to tell someone to love the body they're born with when I have very obviously never loved mine.

They love to post videos on their socials showing you how to work out, because when you are fit, you'll feel better, right? Be strong they tell us. BE LIKE ME is the message screaming at me from my late night instagram doom scroll. You watch, hoping that you too can get skinny arms like theirs by lifting a dumbbell for 10 minutes a day. Inferiority creeps in as you see their taut faces contoured professionally in 'natural' makeup, their blow-dried locks bouncing like a palomino ponies mane hiding those tiny little face lift scars, their Lululemon activewear displaying abs of steel that you too can have if you just Paypal and heed her advice. Sport involves sweat and sweat and make-up aren't a match made in heaven. Scrag your hair back into a ponytail showing us your thinning patches, a bit of grey root and some blotchy red sweaty cheeks and maybe I'll start to relate.

What I actually see in your insta spam of workout selfies and make-up tutorials is someone who has succumbed to every marketing ploy out there. Boost your metabolism, detox your mind, improve your gut health, declutter your knicker drawer! You probably spent the whole of lockdown in full make-up and bouncy hair just in case the postman dropped off another package of self tan. Learning to love yourself seems to involve dressing up as if you're going 'out out' every day because that extra effort to look your best will enhance your everyday feeling of self worth. It'll also suck a few more hours out of your day and improve the revenue of the local dry cleaners but hey.... you're worth it.

I had a session with a life coach a couple of years ago, I told her that I lead a fortunate life but on occasion I feel overwhelmed. For me, being single isn't an issue, but sometimes when there is no one to help out, I feel like I'm drowning. Running around like the proverbial headless chicken trying to be the perfect daughter, fun friend, charming hostess, whatever. My investment in a lovely summer home to escape to started to feel like I was giving my friends the perfect holiday but not ever having a holiday myself. While they are splashing in the pool, I'm unloading the dishwasher and nipping to the shops for tonights baguette, while they are lying in, I'm walking the dog, doing a few loads of laundry and sweeping the terrace for another day of lunches and laughter. Just when I sit down to relax, I'll notice that the pool is dirty or the flowers need watering. The end of August arrives and I don't have even have tan lines. I felt guilty for complaining about these things but hoped that a life coach might be able to show me some helpful methods to cope when the hamster wheel doesn't stop spinning.

This was her first answer..... Why don't you hire more staff to do the cooking and cleaning? Gosh, I'd never have thought of that myself. Was I being staff shamed? I explained that firstly I didn't really have the means to pay more than I already do, and I also don't really enjoy having staff hanging around the house. Maybe I should get over that, but I'm just not the sort of person that can sit and sunbathe while someone is mopping my floors.

Next suggestion. 'When it gets too much for you, go to your room and have a nap or read a book. Let them enjoy the pool and remove yourself from the situation so that they don't see that you're not coping.' Wow. Firstly, this is my house that I earned, pay for and maintain. So her miracle solution was to banish myself to my bedroom so that I don't ruin everyones lovely holiday by being - God forbid - grumpy? What The Actual? And then who unloads the dishwasher and makes sure that we have food for dinner? Her answer to this was - make your guests do it. Been there, tried that, the friends are all keen to help, but I have to sit there and answer question after question on which shop to go to, where is the grater, how do I work the mixer, can you show me this etc....

As an aside - I found my own solution to this problem, and it's same same but different. If I get overwhelmed (and trust me most guests are sweetness and light and no problem at all, so doesn't happen that often), I tell THEM to remove themselves !!! Go hang at the beach, visit a gallery, get out of my face for a few hours so that I have some peace and space.

I hope that most life coaches are way better than this one was, but with no formal qualifications other than believing that they are better at life than you, I fear not.

Showing off your own life success is surely just compounding your clients feelings of inadequacy in their own lives. Coaching someone once a week will not lead to higher levels of life satisfaction if the coaches own level of contentment costs a fortune in beauty treatments and is subsidised by someone else. It's telling the client that if they get fitter, prettier and have better hair, their life will improve. That may not be entirely wrong, we've all felt a confidence boost with a few kilos lost or a cute new hairdo, but surely life coaching should work on feeling better about our current selves, not the version of ourselves that we may or may not be able to metamorphosise into.

Give me a life coach who posts videos of themselves make-up free, muffin tops escaping from their leggings, sweating and struggling through a 5 minute workout. A life coach who radiates confidence despite her smudged mascara and creased shirt. Positive people showing real life struggles and achievements inspire people. If you follow the brilliant Celeste Barber on insta, she has gone from flabby mum creating parodies to being on the cover of Marie Claire. She was always talented and her mum bod is now slim and fit but she's inherently relatable and that is what a life coach should strive to be - empathetic and engaging, not egocentric and patronising. Life is about accepting yourself for who you are and being aware of what you can and can't achieve. Happiness eludes many of us but self acceptance is the first step.